Lockdown life has given me more than enough time to tackle the big issue in my life, namely why is my face getting so wrinkly? Ok, I am nearly 55, so I have to accept the odd crease, but having spent hours, and I mean hours, studying the complexions of every woman in her fifties who posts on Instagram, I have come to the conclusion my crevices are pretty deep.
It was not until last year that I actually realised that I had any wrinkles at all. My eyesight got so bad that I could not apply mascara without wearing my glasses. Having poked my eye out too many times with the mascara wand I decided to invest in a large magnifying mirror. Big mistake, in one quick glance I had aged 30 years. In fact, the sight was so depressing that I keep the mirror draped with a face cloth when I am not using it.
Over recent weeks I have studied the scientific reasons for facial ageing in great detail. I am not talking about lightweight beauty blogs; I am talking serious heavyweight clinical research trials. Here is an excerpt of what I have been deciphering:
The unique molecular structure of collagen renders it largely resistant to nonspecific proteolytic attack. The matrix metalloproteinases (MMPs) are a group of enzymes responsible for degradation of collagen.
Anyway, the long and short of all my research is that sun is the problem. My problem is that I actually feel better and look better with a suntan. Brown cellulite always looks better than white, and an espresso coloured wobble is better than a cappuccino wobble any day. As I have never been into the faff of spray tanning or self-oranging I have relied on UV radiation way too much. My research also identified the chemicals which can help to slow down the ageing process. The main once being retinol. Coincidentally just before lockdown I had a retinol acid face peel. When I went to the salon, I had to sign a disclaimer saying that if, after 3 days, my face looked like I had been in a house fire, I wouldn’t sue. I had the acid painted on and drove home stinging like hell. A few days later my face was meant to peel off, leaving a new younger face underneath. By then we were in lockdown, which was perfect timing. Unfortunately, my face didn’t peel, it didn’t even flake. I emailed the clinic to express my dissatisfaction and, after much toing and froing, they decided that my face hadn’t peeled off because I applied so many strong chemicals to it on a daily basis, that sadly there wasn’t a youthful one underneath.
I have got a new Super Beauty Regime now, and one which requires a spreadsheet to keep track of. Not only are there 3 chemicals to be applied at night, and 2 in the morning, I have to do an acid peel and exfoliate once a week. I can disappear into the bathroom to take my makeup off, and I have missed the whole of the 10 0’clock News before I reappear. Husband leant over to kiss me the other night, as I got into bed. Oh dear, that was a glycolic peel night. Two seconds later he said that kissing my cheek was like sucking on half a lemon, and his lips were killing him. I said he should feel sorry for me, my pillowcase had usually dissolved by the morning.
I just hope after lockdown, when I am back at work, I will have the energy to keep going with this comprehensive skincare regime, or maybe I will have more important and meaningful things to occupy my thoughts? Perhaps that’s a better idea…
Follow my wrinkles on Insta: hownottohaveamidlifecrisis