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The Lone Traveller

I leave for my trip, as a lone traveller, in less than 48 hours, so my preparations are really ramping up. I have drawn up the ultimate packing list.

Meanwhile unhelpful Son decided to do something helpful!  He Googled ‘Things that can kill you in Sri Lanka’ and found:

‘Sri Lanka is home to a spider the size of a dinner plate. With a leg span that can reach up to a rather terrifying ten inches, the Fringed Ornamental Spider is the second largest in the tarantula family’

And

‘Sri Lanka is known as having the most venomous snakes of any country in the world’

Snake Wrestling

Thanks Son, if only you had applied as much enthusiasm to your university research you might have kept out of the Uni Bar for a few hours longer last term. However, I did decide that I must get better at dealing with these critters, so I have allowed one daddy long legs to enter my office without fear of being squashed to the door frame with the sole of a Kurt Geiger.

I have also folded 3 fitted sheets this week, which I feel is good practice for wrestling with any boa constrictor. As if this was not stressful enough, I am trying to condense ‘How to Run a House’ into one document for Husband to follow. 

Having run my own business for 20 years, I am not bad at Excel, but never have I had to concoct such a complicated spread sheet.  No wonder I am buggering off.  I need a break from trying to remember website passwords and whose mobile phone is with which provider.  Let alone being on top of who has finished all the blueberries and granola, so no one turns into a cereal killer.  

Jayne surrounded by a pile of clothes that she is trying to get into her smallish suitcase
Yes, I did buy that hat…. But it will never appear on an Insta post…

Hair Matters

To be honest my biggest challenge is the packing.  Being super-organised, I have bought everything I needed to get on my ultimate packing list, plus a bit more. I am worried about fitting it all into my 110 litre ‘super’ rucksack.  There is a lot of kit.  3 months’ supply of anti-wrinkle cream weighs a serious amount. I am guessing at least 2 kg.  I also have 2 large bottles of anti-frizz hair product and I AM taking my Babyliss Hot Brush. 

Insta Ready

If I am going to put any photos on my shiny new Instagram page, I am not having my mates saying, ‘Christ Jayne looks rough when there isn’t a Toni & Guy around the corner.’  I already have a few Insta followers (6) and one is called ‘MILF Hunter’. Unhelpful Son thinks I should delete ‘that perv’ but, you know what, at my age I am bloody delighted he is following me….

The problem will be actually carrying this 10 stone back pack into Gatwick Airport.  I do not want to fall flat on my back at the check-in desk and resemble a stranded Ninja Mutant Turtle.  I am not looking an arse until I have at least left the country…

Goodbye Lingfield, Asia here comes the lone traveller! Next post from Nepal, if I don’t get lost in Istanbul…

Do follow me on Instagram: hownottohaveamidlifecrisis

Route map of Jayne's travels over the next three months. From Kathmandu to Columbo in Sri Lanka.

Well, this is a first…. I have actually walked past the enticing windows of Hobbs and Jigsaw and I have ended up in……. Millets camping store! Yes, really! This place is so alien to me, I might as well be in a Hoover factory.  

The last time I ventured in here I had to get Daughter a tent for a festival. I selected a bargain £25 pop-up tent which blew away at 3am on the first night of her trip. This meant she spent the next 2 nights sharing a tent with her best friend and best friend’s boyfriend. The downside was that she learnt way too much about her mate’s sex life. The upside was that she has never had any desire to go to a festival again.

Shopping Time

So, I have my list: ‘sleeping bag, mosquito net, water bottle, head torch etc’, but worst of all…. SANDALS. I have an aversion to any sandals with Velcro straps normally seen at country pubs and at Gatwick Airport in summer, in the check-in queue for Switzerland.  

They are normally accompanied by socks and trousers with detachable legs. Sorry, I just can’t do that.  I really do want to blend in on this trip and not look like the Middle-Aged Suburban Misfit, but there are some bridges I just cannot cross, and wearing Merrell sandals is one.

Dress Code

In fact, I have huge problems with the entire wardrobe requirement for this venture. I am Jayne Webb with the silk shirt, skinny jeans and loafers and this signature look does not, and never, will include amorphic sack-like baggy attire.  

The dress code reads ‘shoulders and knees must be covered at all times.’ This would not be a problem here in winter, a good quality cashmere coat can do that stylishly, but in 30°C heat and 80% humidity, I am going to have to adopt a whole new look. 

Burkini Swimwear

The ‘Glamourous Granny Look’ with long floaty skirts, linen blouses and chinos. And, it gets worse. Normally when westerners go to Goa, Sri Lanka and the Maldives they stay in resorts where Western dress codes apply, but I am staying with the Muslim natives and women swim in ‘Burkinis’. I Googled this word and was utterly horrified. 

The Burkini swimwear model actually had a complete hijab headdress on as well! Suddenly my fear of looking ridiculous was replaced by fears of actually drowning, as the tails of my headdress got caught in some speed boat propellers. Fortunately, I worked out that this addition was because she was a Muslim model. 

Surfing

Anyway, I have come up with a solution. I am going surfing. By that I mean I have bought a cool pair of multi-coloured surfing leggings and a coordinating Lycra rash vest. No one said it had to be black….

Jayne sporting her new burkini swimwear
Yes…. Really … My Burkini

Hello, I'm Jayne!

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