One of my favourite pastimes is, and always has been, online shopping. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I ventured into a clothes shop. Why drive to a shopping centre, pay for parking, and spend hours trundling around the fashion department of John Lewis when it is all there online in the comfort of your own home?
I can scan the entire fashion offering of John Lewis in 30 minutes. Whereas it would take me a good few hours on the shop floor. I also have a phobia of changing rooms. There is just too much faff.
You have 27 items over your arm, and you are told that you can only take 5 in at a time. This means that after every 5 failed frock tries you have to wrap yourself, in your undies, in the changing room curtain whilst shouting ‘Please can I have another 5?’ Besides, the lighting and mirrors in the cubicles have been cruelly designed to make you look at your worst from every angle. You can go in feeling quite body-confident and come out vowing to take up HIIT training and eat spinach.
No, these days are long gone for me. I much prefer to get a lorry load of garments delivered, so I can try them on in the safety of my own bedroom whilst watching ‘MasterChef,’ and with the lighting sufficiently dimmed to soften flesh folds and cellulite.
This hobby/addiction has always amused me, but in these Corona Days it is vital. I need to buy so many pyjamas online these days. The problem is that Husband is now working from home. For the first time, he is aware of just how MANY deliveries are left in the porch every day.
Yesterday he went for a run and actually couldn’t get in through the front door on his return. Sadly, Ian from myHermes, Steve from DPD and Joe from UPS are not chatting these days. They just ring the bell and ‘drop’. We did have such a social thing going.
Last month Husband and I were in Costa Coffee when this gorgeous, lean, stubbly, young man bounded in. He saw me and said ‘Hi Jayne, how are the dogs? See you next week!’ before winking and heading to the counter. To which Husband said, ‘Who the Hell is he?’ He seemed both relieved and terrified when I explained that he was the UPS delivery driver; relieved that he was just the delivery driver and terrified that I had enough deliveries to be his best friend.
My little game really is out in the open now. I do hasten to add that I do return 97% of all the clothes I order. This means I am also very friendly with the lovely Rahul in the Post Office…
Follow me on Instagram at @hownottohaveamidlifecrisis