middle age

A Pair! The most exciting minute of my day…

Lockdown Life

Well, it is day 17 of Lockdown and I am pleased to confirm that all 5 adults currently living here are still well and have not sustained any injuries caused by me, or any other residing family members.  I think we have all decided, independently, that the best way to get through this incarceration is to bite our lips when we get totally hacked off with each other, and to regularly socially isolate ourselves, whilst self-distancing. For me this means spring cleaning the loft or the shed… AGAIN. Husband has an excellent excuse; he still has a Proper Job and so he can retreat, justifiably, to his ‘office’ for 8 hours a day. 

24-year-old daughter has changed beyond all recognition in the past 2 weeks. This London-loving party animal, who adores nothing more than a glass of Prosecco and a pair of high heels, has taken to doing jigsaw puzzles and going running. Moreover, I have actually seen her without full make-up for more than 2 days on the trot. Obviously, she is not posting anything on social media at the moment, as doing that without a flawless face and couture is totally out of the question.

Lockdown Hair

Son, 21, is growing facial hair, which he is terribly proud of. By the time he returns to university in September it might actually look like a proper beard.  He currently looks like a younger Ed Sheeran. I have never worked out why men grow ginger beards when their hair isn’t even ginger. I am pleased this is normal, as I really don’t want Husband requesting a paternity test in the midst of Lockdown. 

Husband in the meantime, who never goes for more than 4 weeks without a ‘Good Haircut’ is starting to look like an ageing rock star and sporting true lockdown hair. I did suggest he could rock a Mullet, but it didn’t go down too well. If he too decides to grow a beard, we will have our very own Father Christmas by June.

Even the poor Schnauzer Zac, who goes to the poodle parlour every 6 weeks is starting to look like Bob Marley, shame he can’t sing. I am, meanwhile, watching numerous YouTube videos on ‘how to touch up grey roots,’ and I have already ordered a tinting brush and mixing bowl in readiness. I don’t mind being released from Lockdown wearing my pyjamas, but I am not emerging with a blonde mop that starts halfway down my head, that would really let my secret out the bag.

Friends Reunited

So, what else have I been up to? Well, I have been pairing odd socks! I know there are numerous theories on why two socks go into the washing machine and only one comes out, but none of them are terribly convincing. We have a large plastic bag of odd socks and every week a few more solitary souls are added to the collection. Sorting them out has been on my list of ‘Things to do when there is absolutely nothing else to do,’ for at least 2 years.

Fortunately, up until this point in my life, I have never been that desperate for entertainment. Well, yesterday that day came; I tipped the bag out and spend two joyful hours reuniting socks with their lost partners.  Every time I got a pair matched a wave of excitement came over me and I let out a resounding ‘Yes.’ God, it hasn’t taken long for my datum to change on what constitutes an exciting afternoon. If I still think this is fun in a year’s time, can someone please shoot me? 





You can always follow me on Instagram @hownottohaveamidlifecrisis

Jayne sitting on sofa watching TV not keeping fit over 50

Corona TV and Me

Keeping Fit Over 50

Ok, so it’s Day 4 of Lockdown and things are going quite well. I have got into a good routine; I lie in bed checking Insta and Facebook until 9.30am, and then I get up and watch ‘Corona TV’ and do housework until 4pm, in my pyjamas. At 4pm I have a shower and put on clean pyjamas. I do realise the importance of trying to keep fit over 50. So on a ‘Fitness Day’ I put on leggings, and plod around the village for 30 minutes at some point, before the shower and clean Pjs. I could call these ‘leisurewear’ but no, mine are quite definitely ill-fitting floral jersey Pjs. The great thing about this dress code is that I am not generating any ironing at all.

The Rota

I have made an Excel spread sheet, which is a total work of art (names highlighted in different colours etc) for a ‘Housework Rota’. As I am distancing with 4 other adults, I am not doing it all! Twenty Something Son, who should be at university, is coping particularly well with the Lockdown. Actually he hasn’t noticed any difference. He gets up at 2pm, eats the contents of the fridge, watches ‘Celebrities Go Dating’ from the sofa all afternoon, eats more and then plays PlayStation all night. He doesn’t even have to feel guilty about all of the lectures he failed to get out of bed for, as they are now online. On the ‘Housework Rota’, I have put him down for ironing. Son has never ironed a garment in his life before, but I see lots of merit in allocating him this task:

  1. He will learn a new life skill
  2. He won’t be chipping every skirting board with the Hoover or spilling bleach on the carpets
  3. He won’t notice what he is doing, as he can still watch ‘Celebrities Go Dating’ at the same time.  He will just be vertical rather than horizontal

My plan is to spring clean the entire house in the next 3 weeks, but I am having to pace this. I don’t want to get to the under stairs cupboard too quickly. In truth I can’t wait to find out what treasures I have shoved in there over the past 10 years.




Follow me on Instagram, if you can bear it @hownottohaveamidlifecrisis

fitness over 50 Jayne sitting outside closed gym
Bye Dan…

Gym Free Days

Well, it has finally happened… The one measure I was dreading. Boris shut my gym down on Friday. Don’t get me wrong, I actually HATE the gym, but I do have a rather handsome personal trainer… 

 A year ago, I realised that gravity and age were taking a noticeable toll on my torso and so I decided to join a gym. I suddenly concluded that ‘fitness over 50’ was pretty important. I must point out that up until this point I had NEVER set foot in such an establishment. Merely the thought of going made me break out into a post-exercise style sweat.

I decided that the only way I was going to stick to regular attendance was to find a handsome, young, male trainer. I therefore diligently ‘researched’ every gym in the area. Whilst various sales staff were pointing out the jet powered hair dryers in the changing rooms and the coffee bars, I was scouring the workout classes for an attractive male instructor. I finally found one. 

This is Hard Fitness

Sadly, this was in a gym called ‘Hard Fitness’, which is exactly that.  This facility has no proper changing rooms, no fluffy towels, no Chardonnay and no pastel yoga mats. Instead it has a boxing ring, a comprehensive set of torture equipment and an army of unattractive male clientele in baggy shorts and grey socks, but it does have gorgeous, toned Dan. 

 Unfortunately, The Lovely Dan is bipolar. During my PT sessions he is brutal; he shouts at me; he scolds me for slacking and he reminds me that ‘I don’t pay him to be nice’. Then at the end he puts on a winning smile and says, ‘Nice one Jayne, see you on Friday!’ 

Lycra Free

The only other plus point here is that there are no glamorous and toned ladies in Lycra to make me feel woefully inadequate in the abs department. I can turn up in some old leggings and come out looking like a sweaty unmade bed, without anyone batting an eyelid or commenting on the fact that I have mascara dripping down my face. 

Dan is offering to do Skype session with me from today, but it really won’t be the same. I am thinking of cancelling my membership and eating my body weight in Galaxy bars for the foreseeable future.





You can always follow me on Instagram @hownottohaveamidlifecrisis

Midlife Crisis Stages

Preparations for my Trip over the past few months have been extensive.  Firstly, I had to make the announcement to Husband.  Normally when I say ‘Darling’ in a semi sexy voice over supper, I am about to admit to yet buying another Ralph Lauren shirt, or some Take That tickets.  This time the ‘Darling’ was sexier than ever… Husband coped very well with the announcement that his wife of 23 years was buggering off to Asia for 3 months to find herself. He knew there were midlife crisis stages, but he just wasn’t sure which one I was in.

Cool Mum

I actually think he saw a green light for more tennis matches, meals out with the Boys and to get his motorbike licence.  Which led me to believe he, in his own way, is having a mini midlife crisis too.  My grown-up kids, to be honest, were shocked. 

Reliable Mum, always at the end of a WhatsApp message and ready with a roast dinner when required, was doing something so “un-Mum-like’ they could hardly believe it.  Eyes widened, mouths opened, then eventually came the words ‘Mum, that is so Cool!’  Rarely in all my years as a mother, have I done anything is my kids’ eyes which is ‘Cool’, so I am taking this one and I am taking it Big Time.  

Grey Hair

Worryingly my friends all asked the same two questions, and in the same order ‘What will you do with your hair?’ and ‘What does Husband think?’ I told them I was going to tie up the first and might well do the same to the second.  Why do my friends think my peroxide bob comes before Husband?  That is worrying.  I guess I can at least hide the fact that one is very grey.


I have also had to cope with a lot of pricks lately, and I don’t just mean the guy in the camping shop who tried to sell me a £350 sleeping bag.  No, I mean vaccinations!  I have actually had so many that if I keeled over in the high street and someone saw my arms, I would be carted off to the nearest rehab centre. 

Jayne Webb eating lunch smiling in one of the stages of a midlife crisis.

A nice lunch out before I go…

Barking Mad

I thought Japanese Encephalitis was something on the menu at YO! Sushi but, it is in fact, a rare, but often fatal brain disease, carried by mosquitos and it requires 2 bloody great needles full of serum to prevent it. I have also had 3 jabs for rabies and guess what?  It actually does not STOP me catching rabies!  It just means that when I fall to the ground, foaming at the mouth and barking with a limp tail I have more time to get to hospital.  Great….!

Hello, I'm Jayne!

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